“Does the clay say to the potter, ‘What are you making?’ ” (Isaiah 45:9)
For many years, I lived my life asking God, “What are you doing?” and “Why have you made me this way?” I was like the clay in the verse quarreling with my maker because I believed I was a mistake.
On one hand, I love people. My life goal is to help those who are hurting by finding ways to meet their needs. I remember even as a young child, I would save money for the local homeless shelter and make my dad drive me to street corners to bring blankets to those begging on the side of the road.
On the other hand, I was born with a huge thorn in my side. This thorn is named Mental Illness. Despite having a heart that longs to help people, I also have a mind crippled with anxiety, social awkwardness, depression, ADD and depersonalization/derealization episodes. I have spent many years crying out to God and believing my mental illness made me useless in ministry.
After experiencing failure after failure, I began to believe I was an embarrassment to God. Despite my best efforts, I always ended up on the outskirts of every social group and became known as weird, awkward and quiet. This led me to believe God couldn’t possibly want someone like me advocating for Him. I felt that because of my social status, sharing the gospel would just reinforce the fact that Christianity is weird and only “weird” people need religion.
This is where the questioning and quarreling came in. If God wants us to be his ambassadors and strive to bring His good news to others, why would he give me a mental illness that would leave me unheard?
Thankfully, God is not a God who needs me to fit in. I am slowly beginning to see my mental illness not as a curse, but as a gift. This “gift” has taught me true dependence on my faith to make it through each and every day. It has allowed me to learn the depths of God’s heart for the lost and marginalized because I am one of the lost and marginalized.
Looking back, my mental illness has allowed me to relate to people that I would have never been able to reach if I had been born with a healthy mind.
If you are looking for a blog written by someone who has already found recovery and is now offering you a quick solution to recovery as well, you are in the wrong place. I write as someone who has not yet found recovery or full healing, but rather someone who is willing to be vulnerable about my brokenness. It can feel lonely in the online world where everyone only chooses to show picture perfect snap shots of their lives. So my heart is to provide a place where brokenness is OK in hopes to encourage other’s who are in the midst of recovery as well. Recovery is not fast or easy, but together we can make it!